twenty
i used to feel really butthurt whenever it’d be my birthday.
a) because i have a history, as many people do, of really shitty things happening on my birthday: getting my period, failing an exam, finals almost every year for high school, losing my sister when i was 10 and supposed to be watching her, then getting cussed out really bad because of it.
and b) because i’m afraid, as many young people are, that i’m wasting my time. i remember when i turned 19, i genuinely felt like time was running out. i felt like i was 18 for two months and everyone knows once you turn 20, you’re dead. this isn’t true, obviously.
turning 20, i felt like i had been 19 for such a long time.
maybe i felt what i felt out of spite for people who like to hold onto things like being a “teenager,” and people who hate to grow older. but i was sort of ambivalent. maybe even excited to turn 20. maybe it’s because i had a really shitty set of teenage years, but i don’t feel so bad to be getting older.
now that i’ve grown older, i look back on younger years and realize that i did the best with what i could. but there’s no reason to be mourning the past or longing to go back to it. i don’t think there’s any sense in that.
and honestly, i think it’s kind of unattractive to be obsessed with youth. there. that’s my hot take. i get nostalgic often, but it’s not often that i mourn the past or long to go back.
sometimes, i do wish that i could just be a teenage dirtbag. a real one. i spent my teenage years being too kind to others and not kind enough to myself. i wish i could go back and be shitty and just tell everyone to fuck off.
but who’s to say you can’t be a dirtbag in your 20s?
i think actually, that’s what your 20s are all about.
even though i’m 20 now, there are a ton of things i haven’t done.
20 things i haven’t done
not exactly a bucket list. inspired by girlwonderlost.
- Taken a nude photo
- Spray painted graffiti
- Bought alcohol with a fake ID
- Fallen in love
- Gone to a nude beach
- Punched a hole in a wall
- Broken a bone
- Drunk called or messaged an ex
- Been on a blind date
- Gotten arrested
- Gotten a tattoo
- Called 911
- Gone streaking
- Gotten blackout drunk
- Auditioned for something
- Stolen something from a friend’s house
- Seen a double-feature movie
- Had a surprise party thrown for me
- Seen a stripper
- Tried acid/shrooms
- Changed my name legally
and i could die tomorrow!!
honorable mentions
things i had not done until quite recently.
- Skipped a stone, this month
- Swam shirtless in a body of water, this week
- Gone to a party, last year
- Gone to a concert of my own volition, last year
- Ordered at a bar, last year
- Bought a pack of cigarettes myself, this year
Things i hope’ll happen before twenty one:
- be a dickwad, sleep around
- do something i'll regret
- go to a movie alone
- make more art than i know what to do with
- see more birds
- come to class hungover
- watch a sunrise i actually stayed up for
- kiss someone at a party
- fill another journal, i try to fill one every year
- get lost somewhere interesting
- sleep under the stars
- steal a library book
- go day-drinking on a weekday
- legally change my name
i like to think little kid me would be proud. that i’ve become everything i’ve ever wanted to be, became someone i’d be proud of.
