It is with a slightly heavy heart that I write this journal entry. I don't usually feel this way, but every once in a while this sort of feeling washes over me where my heart starts to hurt a little. I know I am very young, so I shouldn't feel this way. It's not like I've lived that long of a life, but I look at the people around me, and I feel as if, I am somehow missing out on that sort of young-love that comes about only when you're in college/highschool. I'm not sure as to why, but I had this perception that I would somehow, someway find that special someone, or something like that. The person I would marry, even, in college. And as I grow older, I'm starting to think maybe that's just not true. I know I don't have a lot to go off of, both my parents knew eachother in highschool and got married a bit after. And seeing their relationship, sometimes I wonder, would things be different if they met other people or even met later in life. I don't want to be the kind of person that settles for the first person they meet. I've played games like that before and it never really ends well because there's a sort of lack of compatibility. But, I guess, seeing all the people around me court someone, or date someone, it makes me feel as if I do need to settle, because there's slim pickings. I dunno.
Sometimes, I wonder if it's because of me? I grew up in a really conservative small town, so there was almost no one who would consider me attractive or want to date me, so I feel like, maybe I missed out on that sort of high-school love. And now, like an ugly duckling, I feel as if I've come into myself, but my mind is sort of in the same place. I have this weird sort of feeling within me that feels almost paradoxical, that there's this deep yearning for some beautiful, movie-like, love from a special goregous someone that will truly see me for me---and because of this I don't want to settle for just anyone, especially not someone that doesn't really get me. But at the same time, I still have an ugly duckling mentality, like either because of who I am as a person, or because my standards are "too high", that no one will ever really love me or something like that. I know that's sort of sad, but there's this deep sense of unease unwillingness to settle within me combined with a deep sense of yearning. I'm sure most people feel like this, but sometimes I feel as if I'm all alone in this. Especially in the sense that I want someone so deeply in a romantic sense.
I have a ton of friends who are picky, even though they are beautiful and anyone would want to date them, but they don't seem to feel that sense of yearning. They get what they need out of the close relationships they have with other people. They have great friendships and other relationships that fulfill them, that don't border into the romantic. And somehow, for some reason, I just can't be content the same way they are. But at the same time, I don't feel the total opposite, where I want someone so carnally or romantically that I would just consider dating/being with anyone. It's a sticky situation I'm in. Sometimes, I wonder if it's because I'm too shy, maybe if I were more outgoing, I would be able to meet more people, date around, find that person I really want(ed). Other times, I wonder if I made the wrong decision, picking this school. The culture is sometimes so sad, so un-social, that I wonder if I'd have an easier time meeting people if I went somewhere else. These are just grievences, it's not like I would ever actually want to transfer schools. But, I really would like to meet someone in school rather than having to go out of my way to meet someone at a bar or online or something like that. --> Another weird tangental thing is that I worry sometimes if I use one of those other methods, that I will meet someone who doesn't "get" me once again, because what if they're not "smart". Not in a you're either book smart or you're not, but I mean I want to have deep rigiorious conversations about books and the future and what I'm afraid of, and I know for a fact (from trial and error) that not every person can do that.
I'm left without a resolution, for I do not know how to solve or fix this problem. Maybe it's not a problem at all, but something each person feels one time or another. I am left without answers or solutions, hopefully time will enlighten me.