Diary Entry, Loose Thoughts Escaping My Head

January 30, 2026 7:26 pm

New updated format, hopefully the world loves this. I don't know.... I have to warn you, if you're reading this right now be warned. This entry is most likely to be full of typos and also talk of me being. a meloncholic fool.... Sad, I know.

Sometimes I think, when god closes the door, he opens a window. Or at least, that's what I want to believe. Maybe, honestly, something I have to believe. Because not believing in that short of a thing means that my life will just be unlucky for... forever. I was talking with a friend over the phone, explaining what I'm about to explain to you, my beautiful reader, that if anything like this were to happen to anyone, it would happen to me. That I'm a bit of an unlucky sap.

Sometimes I don't like believing in stuff like that though. That a person can be fully lucky or unlucky. I think beleiving that you are fully unlucky, sort of sets the universe up to give you unlucky things. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of a thing. And I'm far too scared to be fully unlucky for the rest of my life, I suppose.

Regardless, let me tell you my tale of what happened to me yesterday that sort of broke my heart. But not too much.

This is how it feels to be me, I don't a hundred percent feel this way but I do. Basically, long story short, I found out something about someone who I thought liked me. And the way it framed them as a person, has somehow in someway, turned itself into a reflection of me. I feel in my heart, I've almost betrayed myself for even having considered the possibility of liking them. I just hate the idea of intimacy and being vulnerable. Especially with someone else. Anytime in the past, I have been vulnurable with people, or gotten too close, they've kicked me while I was down. And it hurt, bad.

Especially growing up, anytime I would come to my parents, trying to share something that was deeply important to me, they would just tell me no, or no that's not true, why would you say that to me. I think maybe because of this, or some sort of freudian thing, I almost seek out these kinds of people, or maybe they seek out me, because they know I'm an "easy" target, I don't know.

But basically, a friend told me that this person that I thought liked me basically goes for specific guys that are very similar to me. Sensitive, emotional, individualistic. Maybe because he's not like that? Because he's too scared to show his heart on his sleeve for the whole world to see, or soemthing like that. But she was saying that from what she's seen he goes after them in a very conquesting manner. That he gets some sort of enjoyement from being able to "figure" them out, capture them, something like that.

I'm glad she told me this, because I DO think I would like to know if something like this were happening, or if someone who has a pattern of this were going after me, but it makes me a bit sad for a different reason.

For one, somehow, some way, I feel as if learning this has, well, closed a door. I don't personally think, I would ever actually get with this person, or pursue them, but it's frustrating almost to know that something that could have maybe been an oppurtunity or something of the sort has been closed? I'm not sure if that makes sense, but that's how I feel. As if something has been wasted, tarnished. And maybe if I were a different person, I would be able to be happy or be able to pursue someone like that I don't know. But I'm not the type to look for love, where I know, clearly, there is none.

Moreover, she said that he is not the type of person to actually date anyone, and that is NOT what I want. I want to find true love. And I'm sure, somehow, someway it will find me. It must. But knowing that oh this is the type of person who likes me (even if it's not necessarily a correct concensis of all the people that do and could like me), I have this idea that well if this is the type of people attracted to me, then well... I guess I'm fucked when it comes to finding true love.

I know I'm probably just being dramatic. But the second thing, that gets me, with this, is that someone could even see me in that light. I have really big issues when it comes to control, but especially when it comes to controlling my image. But someone viewing me romantically, and maybe in this case, only sexually, introduces a whole other element to the equation. The fact that someone could view me as so,,,, "pathetic?" or so "sensitive" that I could be so easy to conquer makes me so upset and so frustrated and just sad. Is this really how I appear to the world? Like some pathetic stray dog? I don't mind being emotional, but to be reduced soley to being overly sensitive is what frustrates me. To be reduced to an object alone to conquer is what frustrates me.

I don't know, I have more to say but it's 1:34 in the morning and I'm meeting a friend early tomorrow so I must go.