Feb 11, 2026 11:00 pm
Recently, I've been worrying, what if I consume more than I make. I used to draw all the time. I used to post myself, make videos, edit things, create. I see people around me who only consume and I know it's assosiated with unhappiness. Spending signifigant ammounts of time on social media, even if that is tumblr, has to be so so so bad for the soul. I worry about those around me, but I also worry about myself. What am I missing out on? What oppurunities am I missing by not being in the moment? Who could I meet? Who could I have loved if I opened up my eyes a little more. I don't know.
Recently, I've been having a hard time relaxing, and staying asleep. I find myself waking up at random times, often in the early stetches of the morning and I find it hard to go back to sleep. So I'm tired throughout the whole day, but can't find a fix as to why. Maybe there's too much weighing on me? But I can't really think of a reason as to why. Living with my roomate is still a little tricky but it's a lot better than before.
I guess part of my concern, and maybe a bit of my discomfort comes from a place of care. I feel this obligation, not all the time, but a lot of the time to help those close to me. To see them suffer hurts me. What feels so obvious to me, sometimes is not so obvious to someone-else. I want her to get better, and get help, take a walk outside, meet people, grow. I feel this insitinctual big brother urge, the same way I feel my actual siblings. I want them to not make the same mistakes I did, I want them to have the oppurunities I didn't get.
I Know I need to keep reminding myself that, it's not on me to bear the weight of repsonisbility. It's not my job to care for them, that sounds harsh, but I mean more so, it's not my responsibility to make sure they are doing well for themsleves or taking accountability in their own lives. I don't know how to do this specifically, but I am trying. I think part of it also stems from the fact, that I feel like a family, and by extension, friend-families, are a unit. One person's success feels like the family's sucsess. One person's failure, feels as if the "team" has blundered.
I think this mindset can be helpful in some aspects, but I think it maybe puts too much emphasis on the impact of the other person's actions. Its just hard to not think this way because this is how I was raised. It's hard dealing with people that don't neccesarily share the same values. What is most likely just a differnce in values or opinions, sometimes feels like a moral miscaulation by them, oh how could you ever think that way.
I suppose it's good to have this level of insight, but often times I feel like I can recognize these sort of things, without actually putting in any action. I don't know, right now I just feel so emotionally and physcially exhausted, I'm going to sleep, hopefully I don;t have to see or talk to anyone for a couple hours.