Quick thoughts before I tuck myself into bed
Feb 11, 2026 11:00 pm
Recently, I've been worrying, what if I consume more than I make. I used to draw all the time. I used to post myself, make videos, edit things, create. I see people around me who only consume and I know it's associated with unhappiness. Spending significant amounts of time on social media, even if that is tumblr, has to be so so so bad for the soul. I worry about those around me, but I also worry about myself. What am I missing out on? What opportunities am I missing by not being in the moment? Who could I meet? Who could I have loved if I opened up my eyes a little more. I don't know.
Recently, I've been having a hard time relaxing, and staying asleep. I find myself waking up at random times, often in the early stretches of the morning and I find it hard to go back to sleep. So I'm tired throughout the whole day, but can't find a fix as to why. Maybe there's too much weighing on me? But I can't really think of a reason as to why. Living with my roommate is still a little tricky but it's a lot better than before.
I guess part of my concern, and maybe a bit of my discomfort comes from a place of care. I feel this obligation, not all the time, but a lot of the time to help those close to me. To see them suffer hurts me. What feels so obvious to me, sometimes is not so obvious to someone else. I want her to get better, and get help, take a walk outside, meet people, grow. I feel this instinctual big brother urge, the same way I feel my actual siblings. I want them to not make the same mistakes I did, I want them to have the opportunities I didn't get.
I know I need to keep reminding myself that it's not on me to bear the weight of responsibility. It's not my job to care for them— that sounds harsh, but I mean more so, it's not my responsibility to make sure they are doing well for themselves or taking accountability in their own lives. I don't know how to do this specifically, but I am trying. I think part of it also stems from the fact that I feel like a family, and by extension, friend-families, are a unit. One person's success feels like the family's success. One person's failure feels as if the "team" has blundered.
I think this mindset can be helpful in some aspects, but I think it maybe puts too much emphasis on the impact of the other person's actions. It's just hard to not think this way because this is how I was raised. It's hard dealing with people that don't necessarily share the same values. What is most likely just a difference in values or opinions sometimes feels like a moral miscalculation by them— oh how could you ever think that way.
I suppose it's good to have this level of insight, but often times I feel like I can recognize these sort of things without actually putting in any action. I don't know, right now I just feel so emotionally and physically exhausted. I'm going to sleep, hopefully I don't have to see or talk to anyone for a couple hours.
Late Night Diary Entry
December 20, 2025
Today is Saturday. I've started watching Mad Men on HBO, and I'm already on season 2. I thought the first season was actually really good and worth watching. The second season seems to have fallen off a little, but thats okay. I had surgery yesterday. It's called a keyhole surgery. It's a chest/gender affimring reconstruction surgery.
The jist of the procedure is that instead of cutting an anchor or "T" shape, from the nipple and then down, you just cut a small semi-circle around the nipple and then suck out the fat. This way when everything is fully healed, there are little to no scars and the chest appears as normal. Even though the procedure is done, I don't really see a difference but thats mainly because I can't take off my garment and see what my chest actually looks like. Also there will be a lot of swelling so I can't get a full grasp on what I'm looking at.
Overall I'm just doing my best to get some rest, that way I've been able to work on my website. Sleeping a lot, sleeping a ton. The pain medication I'm on makes me super duper tired. So I've just been resting like a big chungus seal. My sweet pug has been keeping me company, but he does more resting than I ever could.
With all the coding I'm doing I think I'm starting to get the hang of things, but I don't know. I have some ideas for things I want to expand on site-wise. I want to add more to the "about-me" page, like my fav color, styles I'm inspired by, ect. I also want to add a sort of "bedroom" aspect, maybe find a way to lay out a bunch of objects and then you can find the diary from there. I think something like that would be cute, but it seems a little bit hard to do, so wish me luck.
I finally updated my guestbook, you can find it on the homepage under the little site title.
meep
January 21, 2026
It is with a slightly heavy heart that I write this journal entry. I don't usually feel this way, but every once in a while this sort of feeling washes over me where my heart starts to hurt a little. I know I am very young, so I shouldn't feel this way. It's not like I've lived that long of a life, but I look at the people around me, and I feel as if, I am somehow missing out on that sort of young-love that comes about only when you're in college/highschool. I'm not sure as to why, but I had this perception that I would somehow, someway find that special someone, or something like that. The person I would marry, even, in college. And as I grow older, I'm starting to think maybe that's just not true. I know I don't have a lot to go off of, both my parents knew eachother in highschool and got married a bit after. And seeing their relationship, sometimes I wonder, would things be different if they met other people or even met later in life. I don't want to be the kind of person that settles for the first person they meet. I've played games like that before and it never really ends well because there's a sort of lack of compatibility. But, I guess, seeing all the people around me court someone, or date someone, it makes me feel as if I do need to settle, because there's slim pickings. I dunno.
Sometimes, I wonder if it's because of me? I grew up in a really conservative small town, so there was almost no one who would consider me attractive or want to date me, so I feel like, maybe I missed out on that sort of high-school love. And now, like an ugly duckling, I feel as if I've come into myself, but my mind is sort of in the same place. I have this weird sort of feeling within me that feels almost paradoxical, that there's this deep yearning for some beautiful, movie-like, love from a special goregous someone that will truly see me for me---and because of this I don't want to settle for just anyone, especially not someone that doesn't really get me. But at the same time, I still have an ugly duckling mentality, like either because of who I am as a person, or because my standards are "too high", that no one will ever really love me or something like that. I know that's sort of sad, but there's this deep sense of unease unwillingness to settle within me combined with a deep sense of yearning. I'm sure most people feel like this, but sometimes I feel as if I'm all alone in this. Especially in the sense that I want someone so deeply in a romantic sense.
I have a ton of friends who are picky, even though they are beautiful and anyone would want to date them, but they don't seem to feel that sense of yearning. They get what they need out of the close relationships they have with other people. They have great friendships and other relationships that fulfill them, that don't border into the romantic. And somehow, for some reason, I just can't be content the same way they are. But at the same time, I don't feel the total opposite, where I want someone so carnally or romantically that I would just consider dating/being with anyone. It's a sticky situation I'm in. Sometimes, I wonder if it's because I'm too shy, maybe if I were more outgoing, I would be able to meet more people, date around, find that person I really want(ed). Other times, I wonder if I made the wrong decision, picking this school. The culture is sometimes so sad, so un-social, that I wonder if I'd have an easier time meeting people if I went somewhere else. These are just grievences, it's not like I would ever actually want to transfer schools. But, I really would like to meet someone in school rather than having to go out of my way to meet someone at a bar or online or something like that. --> Another weird tangental thing is that I worry sometimes if I use one of those other methods, that I will meet someone who doesn't "get" me once again, because what if they're not "smart". Not in a you're either book smart or you're not, but I mean I want to have deep rigiorious conversations about books and the future and what I'm afraid of, and I know for a fact (from trial and error) that not every person can do that.
I'm left without a resolution, for I do not know how to solve or fix this problem. Maybe it's not a problem at all, but something each person feels one time or another. I am left without answers or solutions, hopefully time will enlighten me
Diary Entry, Loose Thoughts Escaping My Head
January 30, 2026 7:26 pm
New updated format, hopefully the world loves this. I don't know.... I have to warn you, if you're reading this right now be warned. This entry is most likely to be full of typos and also talk of me being. a meloncholic fool.... Sad, I know.
Sometimes I think, when god closes the door, he opens a window. Or at least, that's what I want to believe. Maybe, honestly, something I have to believe. Because not believing in that short of a thing means that my life will just be unlucky for... forever. I was talking with a friend over the phone, explaining what I'm about to explain to you, my beautiful reader, that if anything like this were to happen to anyone, it would happen to me. That I'm a bit of an unlucky sap.
Sometimes I don't like believing in stuff like that though. That a person can be fully lucky or unlucky. I think beleiving that you are fully unlucky, sort of sets the universe up to give you unlucky things. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of a thing. And I'm far too scared to be fully unlucky for the rest of my life, I suppose.
Regardless, let me tell you my tale of what happened to me yesterday that sort of broke my heart. But not too much.
This is how it feels to be me, I don't a hundred percent feel this way but I do. Basically, long story short, I found out something about someone who I thought liked me. And the way it framed them as a person, has somehow in someway, turned itself into a reflection of me. I feel in my heart, I've almost betrayed myself for even having considered the possibility of liking them. I just hate the idea of intimacy and being vulnerable. Especially with someone else. Anytime in the past, I have been vulnurable with people, or gotten too close, they've kicked me while I was down. And it hurt, bad.
Especially growing up, anytime I would come to my parents, trying to share something that was deeply important to me, they would just tell me no, or no that's not true, why would you say that to me. I think maybe because of this, or some sort of freudian thing, I almost seek out these kinds of people, or maybe they seek out me, because they know I'm an "easy" target, I don't know.
But basically, a friend told me that this person that I thought liked me basically goes for specific guys that are very similar to me. Sensitive, emotional, individualistic. Maybe because he's not like that? Because he's too scared to show his heart on his sleeve for the whole world to see, or soemthing like that. But she was saying that from what she's seen he goes after them in a very conquesting manner. That he gets some sort of enjoyement from being able to "figure" them out, capture them, something like that.
I'm glad she told me this, because I DO think I would like to know if something like this were happening, or if someone who has a pattern of this were going after me, but it makes me a bit sad for a different reason.
For one, somehow, some way, I feel as if learning this has, well, closed a door. I don't personally think, I would ever actually get with this person, or pursue them, but it's frustrating almost to know that something that could have maybe been an oppurtunity or something of the sort has been closed? I'm not sure if that makes sense, but that's how I feel. As if something has been wasted, tarnished. And maybe if I were a different person, I would be able to be happy or be able to pursue someone like that I don't know. But I'm not the type to look for love, where I know, clearly, there is none.
Moreover, she said that he is not the type of person to actually date anyone, and that is NOT what I want. I want to find true love. And I'm sure, somehow, someway it will find me. It must. But knowing that oh this is the type of person who likes me (even if it's not necessarily a correct concensis of all the people that do and could like me), I have this idea that well if this is the type of people attracted to me, then well... I guess I'm fucked when it comes to finding true love.
I know I'm probably just being dramatic. But the second thing, that gets me, with this, is that someone could even see me in that light. I have really big issues when it comes to control, but especially when it comes to controlling my image. But someone viewing me romantically, and maybe in this case, only sexually, introduces a whole other element to the equation. The fact that someone could view me as so,,,, "pathetic?" or so "sensitive" that I could be so easy to conquer makes me so upset and so frustrated and just sad. Is this really how I appear to the world? Like some pathetic stray dog? I don't mind being emotional, but to be reduced soley to being overly sensitive is what frustrates me. To be reduced to an object alone to conquer is what frustrates me.
I don't know, I have more to say but it's 1:34 in the morning and I'm meeting a friend early tomorrow so I must go.