blog entries

Quick thoughts before I tuck myself into bed

Feb 11, 2026 11:00 pm

Recently, I've been worrying, what if I consume more than I make. I used to draw all the time. I used to post myself, make videos, edit things, create. I see people around me who only consume and I know it's associated with unhappiness. Spending significant amounts of time on social media, even if that is tumblr, has to be so so so bad for the soul. I worry about those around me, but I also worry about myself. What am I missing out on? What opportunities am I missing by not being in the moment? Who could I meet? Who could I have loved if I opened up my eyes a little more. I don't know.

Recently, I've been having a hard time relaxing, and staying asleep. I find myself waking up at random times, often in the early stretches of the morning and I find it hard to go back to sleep. So I'm tired throughout the whole day, but can't find a fix as to why. Maybe there's too much weighing on me? But I can't really think of a reason as to why. Living with my roommate is still a little tricky but it's a lot better than before.

I guess part of my concern, and maybe a bit of my discomfort comes from a place of care. I feel this obligation, not all the time, but a lot of the time to help those close to me. To see them suffer hurts me. What feels so obvious to me, sometimes is not so obvious to someone else. I want her to get better, and get help, take a walk outside, meet people, grow. I feel this instinctual big brother urge, the same way I feel my actual siblings. I want them to not make the same mistakes I did, I want them to have the opportunities I didn't get.

I know I need to keep reminding myself that it's not on me to bear the weight of responsibility. It's not my job to care for them— that sounds harsh, but I mean more so, it's not my responsibility to make sure they are doing well for themselves or taking accountability in their own lives. I don't know how to do this specifically, but I am trying. I think part of it also stems from the fact that I feel like a family, and by extension, friend-families, are a unit. One person's success feels like the family's success. One person's failure feels as if the "team" has blundered.

I think this mindset can be helpful in some aspects, but I think it maybe puts too much emphasis on the impact of the other person's actions. It's just hard to not think this way because this is how I was raised. It's hard dealing with people that don't necessarily share the same values. What is most likely just a difference in values or opinions sometimes feels like a moral miscalculation by them— oh how could you ever think that way.

I suppose it's good to have this level of insight, but often times I feel like I can recognize these sort of things without actually putting in any action. I don't know, right now I just feel so emotionally and physically exhausted. I'm going to sleep, hopefully I don't have to see or talk to anyone for a couple hours.

Late Night Diary Entry

December 20, 2025

Today is Saturday. I've started watching Mad Men on HBO, and I'm already on season 2. I thought the first season was actually really good and worth watching. The second season seems to have fallen off a little, but thats okay. I had surgery yesterday. It's called a keyhole surgery. It's a chest/gender affimring reconstruction surgery.

The jist of the procedure is that instead of cutting an anchor or "T" shape, from the nipple and then down, you just cut a small semi-circle around the nipple and then suck out the fat. This way when everything is fully healed, there are little to no scars and the chest appears as normal. Even though the procedure is done, I don't really see a difference but thats mainly because I can't take off my garment and see what my chest actually looks like. Also there will be a lot of swelling so I can't get a full grasp on what I'm looking at.

Overall I'm just doing my best to get some rest, that way I've been able to work on my website. Sleeping a lot, sleeping a ton. The pain medication I'm on makes me super duper tired. So I've just been resting like a big chungus seal. My sweet pug has been keeping me company, but he does more resting than I ever could.

With all the coding I'm doing I think I'm starting to get the hang of things, but I don't know. I have some ideas for things I want to expand on site-wise. I want to add more to the "about-me" page, like my fav color, styles I'm inspired by, ect. I also want to add a sort of "bedroom" aspect, maybe find a way to lay out a bunch of objects and then you can find the diary from there. I think something like that would be cute, but it seems a little bit hard to do, so wish me luck.

I finally updated my guestbook, you can find it on the homepage under the little site title.

meep

January 21, 2026

It is with a slightly heavy heart that I write this journal entry. I don't usually feel this way, but every once in a while this sort of feeling washes over me where my heart starts to hurt a little. I know I am very young, so I shouldn't feel this way. It's not like I've lived that long of a life, but I look at the people around me, and I feel as if, I am somehow missing out on that sort of young-love that comes about only when you're in college/highschool. I'm not sure as to why, but I had this perception that I would somehow, someway find that special someone, or something like that. The person I would marry, even, in college. And as I grow older, I'm starting to think maybe that's just not true. I know I don't have a lot to go off of, both my parents knew eachother in highschool and got married a bit after. And seeing their relationship, sometimes I wonder, would things be different if they met other people or even met later in life. I don't want to be the kind of person that settles for the first person they meet. I've played games like that before and it never really ends well because there's a sort of lack of compatibility. But, I guess, seeing all the people around me court someone, or date someone, it makes me feel as if I do need to settle, because there's slim pickings. I dunno. Sometimes, I wonder if it's because of me? I grew up in a really conservative small town, so there was almost no one who would consider me attractive or want to date me, so I feel like, maybe I missed out on that sort of high-school love. And now, like an ugly duckling, I feel as if I've come into myself, but my mind is sort of in the same place. I have this weird sort of feeling within me that feels almost paradoxical, that there's this deep yearning for some beautiful, movie-like, love from a special goregous someone that will truly see me for me---and because of this I don't want to settle for just anyone, especially not someone that doesn't really get me. But at the same time, I still have an ugly duckling mentality, like either because of who I am as a person, or because my standards are "too high", that no one will ever really love me or something like that. I know that's sort of sad, but there's this deep sense of unease unwillingness to settle within me combined with a deep sense of yearning. I'm sure most people feel like this, but sometimes I feel as if I'm all alone in this. Especially in the sense that I want someone so deeply in a romantic sense. I have a ton of friends who are picky, even though they are beautiful and anyone would want to date them, but they don't seem to feel that sense of yearning. They get what they need out of the close relationships they have with other people. They have great friendships and other relationships that fulfill them, that don't border into the romantic. And somehow, for some reason, I just can't be content the same way they are. But at the same time, I don't feel the total opposite, where I want someone so carnally or romantically that I would just consider dating/being with anyone. It's a sticky situation I'm in. Sometimes, I wonder if it's because I'm too shy, maybe if I were more outgoing, I would be able to meet more people, date around, find that person I really want(ed). Other times, I wonder if I made the wrong decision, picking this school. The culture is sometimes so sad, so un-social, that I wonder if I'd have an easier time meeting people if I went somewhere else. These are just grievences, it's not like I would ever actually want to transfer schools. But, I really would like to meet someone in school rather than having to go out of my way to meet someone at a bar or online or something like that. --> Another weird tangental thing is that I worry sometimes if I use one of those other methods, that I will meet someone who doesn't "get" me once again, because what if they're not "smart". Not in a you're either book smart or you're not, but I mean I want to have deep rigiorious conversations about books and the future and what I'm afraid of, and I know for a fact (from trial and error) that not every person can do that. I'm left without a resolution, for I do not know how to solve or fix this problem. Maybe it's not a problem at all, but something each person feels one time or another. I am left without answers or solutions, hopefully time will enlighten me

Diary Entry, Loose Thoughts Escaping My Head

January 30, 2026 7:26 pm

New updated format, hopefully the world loves this. I don't know.... I have to warn you, if you're reading this right now be warned. This entry is most likely to be full of typos and also talk of me being. a meloncholic fool.... Sad, I know.

Sometimes I think, when god closes the door, he opens a window. Or at least, that's what I want to believe. Maybe, honestly, something I have to believe. Because not believing in that short of a thing means that my life will just be unlucky for... forever. I was talking with a friend over the phone, explaining what I'm about to explain to you, my beautiful reader, that if anything like this were to happen to anyone, it would happen to me. That I'm a bit of an unlucky sap.

Sometimes I don't like believing in stuff like that though. That a person can be fully lucky or unlucky. I think beleiving that you are fully unlucky, sort of sets the universe up to give you unlucky things. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of a thing. And I'm far too scared to be fully unlucky for the rest of my life, I suppose.

Regardless, let me tell you my tale of what happened to me yesterday that sort of broke my heart. But not too much.

This is how it feels to be me, I don't a hundred percent feel this way but I do. Basically, long story short, I found out something about someone who I thought liked me. And the way it framed them as a person, has somehow in someway, turned itself into a reflection of me. I feel in my heart, I've almost betrayed myself for even having considered the possibility of liking them. I just hate the idea of intimacy and being vulnerable. Especially with someone else. Anytime in the past, I have been vulnurable with people, or gotten too close, they've kicked me while I was down. And it hurt, bad.

Especially growing up, anytime I would come to my parents, trying to share something that was deeply important to me, they would just tell me no, or no that's not true, why would you say that to me. I think maybe because of this, or some sort of freudian thing, I almost seek out these kinds of people, or maybe they seek out me, because they know I'm an "easy" target, I don't know.

But basically, a friend told me that this person that I thought liked me basically goes for specific guys that are very similar to me. Sensitive, emotional, individualistic. Maybe because he's not like that? Because he's too scared to show his heart on his sleeve for the whole world to see, or soemthing like that. But she was saying that from what she's seen he goes after them in a very conquesting manner. That he gets some sort of enjoyement from being able to "figure" them out, capture them, something like that.

I'm glad she told me this, because I DO think I would like to know if something like this were happening, or if someone who has a pattern of this were going after me, but it makes me a bit sad for a different reason.

For one, somehow, some way, I feel as if learning this has, well, closed a door. I don't personally think, I would ever actually get with this person, or pursue them, but it's frustrating almost to know that something that could have maybe been an oppurtunity or something of the sort has been closed? I'm not sure if that makes sense, but that's how I feel. As if something has been wasted, tarnished. And maybe if I were a different person, I would be able to be happy or be able to pursue someone like that I don't know. But I'm not the type to look for love, where I know, clearly, there is none.

Moreover, she said that he is not the type of person to actually date anyone, and that is NOT what I want. I want to find true love. And I'm sure, somehow, someway it will find me. It must. But knowing that oh this is the type of person who likes me (even if it's not necessarily a correct concensis of all the people that do and could like me), I have this idea that well if this is the type of people attracted to me, then well... I guess I'm fucked when it comes to finding true love.

I know I'm probably just being dramatic. But the second thing, that gets me, with this, is that someone could even see me in that light. I have really big issues when it comes to control, but especially when it comes to controlling my image. But someone viewing me romantically, and maybe in this case, only sexually, introduces a whole other element to the equation. The fact that someone could view me as so,,,, "pathetic?" or so "sensitive" that I could be so easy to conquer makes me so upset and so frustrated and just sad. Is this really how I appear to the world? Like some pathetic stray dog? I don't mind being emotional, but to be reduced soley to being overly sensitive is what frustrates me. To be reduced to an object alone to conquer is what frustrates me.

I don't know, I have more to say but it's 1:34 in the morning and I'm meeting a friend early tomorrow so I must go.

Okay Okay....finally I'll post here instead of doing work...

April 14, 2026 6:29 pm

This is just an excuse for me to not do work...yes yes I know I'm evil. Today was a very nice day for me today. I went to 2/3 of all my classes, I feel kind of guilty for not going to one of them, but it's a class full of grad-students and they make me feel really stupid. I think maybe it's because I have a problem of reading and taking some notes but not going in so intensly as everyone-else. I've also just never really felt that assured of myself academically. Sure I can hear again and again that I've done well or what I've turned in is good enough, but I've never internalized that. Growing up, it was an expectation that everything I did was going to be exceeding expectations or even higher. So getting a B+ or an A- was like the worst thing ever.

My parent's would compare my siblings and I, and there's 5 of us, so it's a lot of ingroup fighting and trying to determine who's the best and who's the worst. I found myself resenting my siblings even though they had nothing to slight me. I always looked up to my brother, he's the oldest and so he was also the one to pave the road for what was expected of us. He was incredibly gifted mathmatically as well as a great reader. Anything that he did, bascially I had to do. He was in accelerated math and in gifted reading. And I never ended up getting into gifted reading because I did relaly poorly at the IQ (?) block test thing that they make you do. I only ended up getting in at the last minute and this was because someone had switched schools so a spot opened up. I speak on this with a lot of shame, but I've never been able to ever feel fully like myself in academic settings. I often feel like things that come so naturally to other people come super slowly to me.

I feel I have to work twice as hard to get where everyone else is. And not to say that hard-work isn't a bad thing, but sometimes I wish I were one of those people who didn't have to study at all and just shows up to the test and does well. I've always struggled with reading and have a lot of trauma around learning how to read specifically. I'm not good at reading things phonetically because for me, some letters will switch themsleves around in the word before I get the chance to sound everything out. apparently, my dad is the same way but forced himself to get out of it. He once told me he didn't ever actually learn how to read untill he learned to speak spanish.

Only then, could he read phonetically. He used to cry struggling to read. And I used to cry struggling to read...my dad would always tell me I was sinking the ship or crashing the plane because I would get so frustrated from reading and he wouldn't let us take a break. I think with a lot of things, because my parents didn't believe in mental health or learning disabilities, I was sort of forced to just get over myself and repress a lot of what I felt was hurting me or discomfort. I think this is why I have a lot of difficulty asking for help or even recognizing when I'm hurting or in a bad spot in general. Vocalizing my needs is incredibly difficult. Uhmmm...I should probably have more to say but I sort of went on a tangent because I got distracted....Oh well... bleh. I might return later, but I don't really have much else to say.

Blogging for the first time in what feels like a really long time

May 5, 2026

It is not often that I write with a heavy heart...okay, even as I say that, I know that's a lie. TLDR: for my friends who I know already know what's happened to make my life such a way, I got really caught up in one person, as I tend to do, and basically had set this whole expectation of what our time together would be like. Without fully taking a step back and maybe realizing the nature of the situation, or fully getting to know this person, I was sort of blinded by being so happy and excited for a possibility. Anyways, I went on a date with them, and I thought things went really well. They held my hand, we chatted it up, I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. Anyways, at the end of the date, they're like "I don't really see you romantically, I'm sorry."

I was really upset but more just mostly confused(?) because why would a person act such a way twoards another person, if well...they didn't like them? ...I just don't know. I ended up messaging them after the fact asking if there was anything I did or had done? And they replied esentially saying:" I went out with you to see how I felt, I didn't want to immidetly write you off because I was premptive to say yes. I reciprocated your feelings and affections during the date because I thought it was the least I could do. But, regardless, I've figured things out and I'm sorry for troubling you."

I think maybe(?) all would be fine and dandy if I was a different person, but I just feel upset because I feel let on. Such an expierience is not uncommon. At least, not for me, I guess. Some part of me wants to make this about my gender, or their comftorability being out to the world, or something of that nature -- because it would be easier than accepting that maybe I'm just not for everyone.

And such a rejection I think hurts all the more because it had been over a year since I put myself out there romantically. So, I don't know, I just felt my heart fall out of my chest. I hope this isn't evil, but the way this person handled things, sort of puts a sour taste in my mouth. I interacted with them today, which is fine, but I noticed that because of the way I feel on the inside, because I feel rejected (somewhat), I started to find them less tolerable. Qualities they had that maybe wouldn't have irritated me before began to irritate me. I suppose maybe that's what people call patience running thin, or maybe I'm just especially bitter--because a rejection like that (which should say more about the person doing the rejecting) in some way feels like a rejection of my character.

Real GothicHermaphrodite fans know that a feeling like the one I'm about to describe is a prominent motif within the GothicHeramproditic life. It's often a promitment theme that I open myself up to someone, express something vulnerable about myself or my opinions and am them rejected or shut down. It's happened often growing up with my parents, then in highschool, and with my first boyfriend I had in college. And all of these things let me to believe that it was better to be silent than to be hurt. I shouldn't express my emotions, I shouldn't allow myself to be vulnerable with others, because they are bound to hurt me once more. There's no point in being open, I might as well close myself off for the rest of my life. I remeber distinctly, being 16 or maybe 15 and writing a poem about how I felt so alien to others, how I just wished to could disappear because it felt so unnatural, so painful, to let myself open up to others. Any sort of vulnerability hurts.

I think I've gotten better with time. I can recognize when thought patterns like the one I've described begin to inhibit my life. And although I can recognize these patterns as being destructive, or being something that's the antithesis of who I want to be, or what I want to become, I find it very hard to not succumb to such patterns or fall back into old habits. I relapsed for the first time in over a year and some change. I participated in habits that I know are self-destructive. Even when I carried out the action, I knew that my heart wasn't even fully in it. I didn't want to hurt, like I had in the past. I did what I did because it felt familiar, because I taught myself that "this is what you do" after you get rejected for being vulnerable.

I cried for the first time in what feels like months. It's not that I don't feel. I feel like I do. I feel as if maybe I feel too much, I think it's a vice of mine, at times, and I wish I could improve my emotional regulation. But, regardless, I think the plethora of medications that I'm on inhibits my ability to produce tears and it's somewhat upsetting because I find the feeling incredibly cathartic. I wish I could be one of those people that cries a lot and takes pleasure in it, but it's not who I am. I think I'm beginning to loose sight of what I was talking about.

Anyways, I think, also, what made what happened so frustrating for me is that I think I had sort of built up what was happening and what was going to happen in my head. I have a tendency to do this, especially when it comes to romance, and I just don't know how healthy or productive it is, and I think in situtations like these it can become very disheartening. I'm not sure why it is that I do this? I think maybe some part of me thinks that if I find that perfect relationship, if I get into a relationship or something of the sort, all of the problems I've had from the past will instantly be healed. I'll become a fixed person. And I think that's too much weight to place on one person or one relationship. It's not fair to them to have such expectations. I get really in my head about things and always (especially about relationships) see things for what they can be rather than what they are. And I think this kind of thinking is really trouble-some over time. I think in my head I had this perfect conception of how things would go and because they didn't go that way I feel especically crushed.

I think ultimatley, and I can't believe I'm saying these words outloud because it just geniunely feels so tired to say something of the sort, but I think somehow some-way I need to fix my relationship with my dad before I can figure out my relationships romantically with others. I know people always joke about Freud and how stupid all of his complexes are--I wonder what he would think about my gender, even---but I think there is a bit of substance to the idea that your first relationships you have with your parents inform how you go about each and every other relationship of your life. I think there would be something of merit in having such a difficult conversation with my parents. I really don't want to do it, but I think it's the only way to move on in a way that's productive.

I have this great feeling that I'm missing out on something. That somehow, someway, I'm running out of time. A big part of me feels like I wasted all my time in highschool figuring out who I was as a person. And now I opperate in relationships like I have nothing to loose and I'm trying to gain as much XP as I can. I want as much expirience as I can. I find myself willing to date or consider anyone that shows me even the slightest bit of attention and fall head over heels for them in such a way without even really knowing them or knowing if we're compatible. I just don't know why there's this strong sense of missing out. Looking at my peers around me, it's more rare if someone is in a relationship than not in one. But, I can't help but feel jellous. I can't help but feel like there's a whole aspect of my personality that I'm neglecting by not being in a relationship. I think also...there's a big part of it that comes with intimacy.

TW for next paragraph: ED, body issues, the works.

I think a big part of me, wants someone to look at me wholely. And say... "wow! you truly are beautiful!" I know I could tell myself that, but I think I truly am seeking the validation of others. Back when I had an eating disorder, I slept with a guy and I distinctly remember him telling me..."wow! your body is so so so beautiful. You look so beautiful." And then with time I grew older and came into myself and filled out a lot more, something that happens with age and going on testosterone and now, I'm the largest I've ever been and I'm really scared that that too, contributes to me being somewhat unloveable or unattractive/undesireable. Even as I say this, I don't know if I'm unloveable, but maybe just incredibly hard to love. How true this is, is beyond me (?), but this is the mentality my brain opperates under and it's hard. I think also other times I've been intimate, my body and gender became a really big hurdle and point of shame for me. Especailly being pre top surgery, sleeping with someone was something I could force myself to do, but it felt really difficult and I worried I would disgust whoever I was with. Especially sleeping with a soley homosexual man, I remember them commenting on my body and being like "wow, okay this isn't as bad as I thought it would be." They commented on my voice too. When they first met me, they were like "wow!! you look just like a guy but your voice scared me. It's so high pitched." Ultimalely, did they care? Not much, because they wouldn't have slept with me then. But hearing stuff like that really stuck/sticks with me because I was in such a vulnerable position. I know all of this feels really tangental so I appologize if this is hard to follow, but bascially the point of the story is that my relationships with other people has made physicality and vulnerablility in that regard incredibly difficult. Especially on a brain that is still developing, in a body that's still developing, all of this bore a lot more weight than I think it would maybe now(?) But regardless, all this contributes to my inability to feel normal about getting vulnerable with others and I think contributes to me wanting relationships to be this grand healing force within my life.

I feel like this image all the time and I'm so tired of bringing my issues into every relationship because I really thought I had healed a good part of me, but stuff like this causes me to become so sensitive.

That's all I have to say for right now, sorry if this is a tough read and my spelling is bad. I think this is probably the longest blog post I've ever made. Wishing you all well and good health. Things will get better, they always have.